The selfish Kate and the concientious Midget

People are selfish. The Midget takes issue with this. In her mind, there’s something evil about being selfish.

I thrive on selfishness.

Ok, so maybe the Midget is one of the most conscientious people around, and yes, maybe on one or more occasion I have been called manipulative. Mind you, that’s mostly by the Midget, and only really when her ideals don’t align with mine.

But selfishness helps me stay happy. And whilst my happiness is a very selfish need, it affects those condemned to work beside me, or those whose genes I share. Plus there’s the dear darling Boyfriend who suffers greatly if I’m a moping mess.

Selfishness allows me to say no. Since I am first, my time is organised to my priorities.

Flying carpet doodle
Meditation – another selfish habit.

Selfish but kind

But just because I’m selfish doesn’t mean I’m unkind. The only person I’ve ever intentionally hurt was the Midget, and that was 15 years ago and so doesn’t really count. No. On the contrary to being selfishly unkind, I go out of my way to be selfishly kind. I’m happy to invest the hours in obtaining good company. For the most part the hours pay off.

I’m safe because I know that I have a multitude of friends that I can fall back on.

If I was truly altruistic wouldn’t I be hunting down the person in the world most in need of a friend, and giving them someone to talk to? Instead I invest my time in people I like and who have lots to give me in return.

The Noph is my sound box, a conscience that sits on the sofa beside me letting my introspective meanderings flourish whilst always pulling me, ever so gently, back to reality. Rapunzel is an inspiration. A flash of colour always reminding me that doing what I want to do is the key to happiness. Singing stood on a chair whilst perfectly sober and perfectly out of tune isn’t just a dreadful racket, but also a wonder of humanity. And yet, Rapunzel and the Noph also remind me that hard work, the washing-up and work is all very, very necessary. Sometimes I need reminding.

All my relationships are selfish. But just because my primary goal is my happiness, doesn’t mean I don’t have secondary goals. I believe that we’re foremost responsible for our own happiness. Whilst I can’t make any of my loved ones happy by myself, I can support them in being happy. It’s in my best interest that my friends are happy.

Selfish but generous

All this selfishness leads me to question why I volunteer. If you volunteer yourself, you probably find the question rhetorical. For me, life is a search for meaning. When I volunteer I have an effect. I mean something to someone. It’s particularly evident when I work with kids – it’s painted in their faces that I mean something. I have the power to help and volunteering takes this power and translates it into action. Actions that build my confidence. It’s a repeated idea that the giver often gains more happiness than the receiver.

Doodle a day 27 March
Work sometimes feels like this.

Selfish but hard-working

Then there is work. I guess I have always had a lot of hostility towards this idea of work. Engaging my brain throughout the best part of five days a week, every week for a company… It sounds like a lot of effort just for some pennies. I get it being necessary. I do. But even so. 40 hours?

Yet work can be rewarding. I love learning and in my job I’m always learning. I’m building a skill set which makes me more employable and better equipped to help those I want to help. I love writing, and my writing is flourishing. I’m also making a difference. Ok, yes it’s within a company, but the company’s values are aligned with my own.

My selfish heart wishes that the 40 hours were a little less rigid. Some days I just want to go to a beach. But most days I roll back into the hovel feeling that I’ve done something productive, and that makes me feel good.

Selfish but unashamed

So yes, I lead a selfish life. One which at its core is kindness, because I need kindness for my happiness, and the sharing of my time and skills, because I need to be valued. Thinking about it, it’s not evil at all.

Nothing at all to be ashamed of.

Would you, like the Midget, disagree?